Brothers and Sisters
by Numbatstuff
Summary: Following on from "Until Tomorrow", Jacob finds himself questioning his future at what else, but the eleventh hour!


I know you think I'm just making trouble now, but what is a wedding without a crisis of confidence.

And so our poor Jacob has had a rough night. Rachel really should have let him stay with her. He's spent a long restless night thinking about her and himself and their relationship, and Jacob with too much time to think is never a good thing.

Soundtrack: She's Got A Way About Her – Billy Joel

She's got a way about her  
I don't what it is  
But I know that I can't live without her  
She's got a way of pleasing  
I don't know why it is  
But there doesn't have to be a reason anyway

She comes to me when I'm feeling down  
Inspires me without a sound  
She touches me  
And I get turned around

She's got a way of showing  
How I make her feel  
And I find the strength to keep on going  
She's got a light around her  
And everywhere she goes  
A million dreams of love surround her, everywhere

…

"Owen, what are you doing in here?"

"I'm watching cartoons."

Alex stuck her head around her brother's open bedroom door to find her son sitting in the middle of Jacob's enormous bed, eating some sort of snack food from a giant bag.

"What on earth are you eating?"

He shrugged, "potato chips."

"But Owen, it's 8 o'clock in the morning. I don't think you should be eating potato chips at 8 o'clock in the morning, do you?"

She walked into the room and took the bag off of him, not that he wanted to give it up.

"But why?" The little boy looked at his mother in annoyance. "Me and Uncle Jacob were eating them at 4'o clock. He said at least they were vegetables."

She raised her eyebrows, "you were eating potato chips with Uncle Jacob at 4am? Why weren't you in bed?"

"I got up to go pee and I heard Uncle Jacob watching Sponge Bob and I came in to watch it with him." Owen looked at her as though it was all perfectly obvious. "And he was eating chips. And he said I could have some but I mustn't tell you."

"Did he indeed." She raised her eyebrows. "And did Uncle Jacob also tell you to go back to bed?"

"No, he said I could stay here and watch cartoons with him to keep him company."

"Oh, is that right?" she looked at him in surprise.

"Yep."

"And where exactly is Uncle Jacob now?"

He shrugged his shoulders.

"You don't know?" Alex frowned. "He's not in there?" She indicated towards the ensuite bathroom.

Owen shook his head. "No. I fell asleep and when I woke up he wasn't here anymore."

"So you decided to just finish off the chips did you?"

He shrugged. "I was hungry."

"Well if you're hungry you should get up and have some proper breakfast." Alex was annoyed at her brother for letting Owen eat potato chips before breakfast. She was fighting an uphill battle to get him to eat healthy food at the best of times.

She sighed. But then it wasn't like she didn't eat chips at any opportunity. They were her ultimate stress food after all. And she knew they were Jacob's as well.

"But if I go downstairs then I'll miss the cartoons." Owen frowned. "I want to stay here. Uncle Jacob's room is great. He's got a great big TV and an x-box and his bed is awesome. It's like a big white marshmallow. There's lots of white pillows and a big white duvet. Uncle Jacob doesn't have trucks on his sheets like I do."

"No he doesn't does he?" She looked around the room. She'd never taken much notice of her brother's bedroom before.

As Owen had pointed out the bed was white. The sleek, modern furniture was dark timber and the carpet was a coffee colour. A typical man's room. But it was the details that made it Jacob's. The three dimensional double helix model and Darth Vader helmet on the chest of drawers, the huge block mounted photograph of the sea at Bethany Beach above the bed, the framed collection of dried seahorses and starfish on the opposite wall, an abstract painting of Maggie's. She also noticed the almost empty bottle of whiskey on the bedside table and the half empty glass.

So he'd been up half the night drinking whiskey, stress eating and watching cartoons. And now he was missing.

Alex was fairly sure that her brother wasn't downstairs. She'd just been in the kitchen making coffee and had seen no sign of him. There wasn't anyone in the main bathroom or his ensuite, and the only other room was Sergei's. She frowned. Unless he was in there?

She reached over the bed and picked up the remote control from where it lay on the crisp white pillow, flicked off the TV.

"Now, I want you to go downstairs and get yourself some cereal and then get yourself dressed," she said to Owen who had crawled back inside the sheets. He groaned. "Come on buddy, we have a lot to do this morning. Don't forget I have to take you to get your haircut. And then we have to make sure Uncle Jacob and Frank and Sergei and you all look nice. Rachel is depending on us."

"Awwwww Mom, I want to watch more cartoons and I want pancakes for breakfast. We always have pancakes on special days. I'm sick of cereal."

"Yeah, but do you know what cereal Uncle Jacob has? He might have something really good. Or he might have Pop Tarts."

"No, he doesn't. I already looked. He's got no cool cereal. Only muesli, and muesli sucks."

"Owen," she said sharply. "I've told you not to say that things suck. It's not a nice way to talk. Just say that you don't like muesli."

He rolled his eyes at her, "ok I don't like muesli."

She shook her head. When did her 8 year old son start rolling his eyes like a 14 year old? But she couldn't be bothered with arguing with him this morning. She had too much to do. And she needed to find Jacob.

"Ok," she sighed, "if you go and get yourself dressed, I'll come down and make you pancakes. Or we'll have a look in the freezer and see if Uncle Jacob's got any waffles. I know Rachel likes waffles so he might have some in there for her. But first I'm going to see if I can find him. Rachel won't be very happy with me if I've lost him already."

Owen stood up and started jumping enthusiastically on the bed. "It's like a big trampoline," he laughed.

She smiled, he reminded her a lot of Jacob at his age. His curiosity and enthusiasm for life, his ability to get into trouble at every turn, his love of chips. She shook her head, little boys.

"Come on little boy," she said grabbing him around the waist and kissing him on the cheek. She put him down on the floor, "we need to go and get these big boys organised. And find your uncle."

Owen ran from the room. "I know where he is," he shouted as he bolted down the hallway. She heard a loud bang as he flung open the door of Sergei's room.

"Owen!" she exclaimed as she hurried towards the room. "Come out of there. Leave poor Sergei alone. He's probably sleeping."

She heard laughter, poked her head tentatively around the doorway.

The child was jumping on the guest bed enthusiastically, and Alex laughed to herself as she saw Sergei, who had apparently been dead to the world until this moment, awaken in surprise.

"Who is this?" he roared in mock anger, sitting up in the bed, reaching over and grabbing the boy around the waist. Owen giggled uncontrollably as the tall blonde man pinned him down on the bed with his large hands and started tickling him. "Who is this waking me up?" he roared again.

The boy managed to wriggle out of his grasp and ran from the room giggling, and Sergei fell back on the bed laughing.

"I'm so sorry Sergei," Alex said apologetically from the doorway. Secretly though, she was thanking her son for barging his way into his room. She'd always liked her brother's long time friend, and was appreciating the opportunity to take in his rather sexy, freshly woken appearance. His blonde bed hair was sticking up in cute little clumps and his usually intense blue eyes were still soft and blurry from sleep. And, Alex noted appreciatively, he was bare chested, with the sheets bunched down around his slim hips.

"Come in Alexandra, please, don't just stand there by the door," he laughed in his thick Russian accent. "I don't often get woken by a small human dynamo and a beautiful woman. Come and sit with me, please." He patted the bed next to him.

She walked tentatively over and perched on the edge of the bed. His body was long and lean and well muscled, and she really wanted to reach over and run her hand slowly down the length of his bare torso.

"I am sorry if Owen woke you," she said apologetically, "we were actually looking for Jacob."

"He's not here?" Sergei frowned.

"No, not in his bed or downstairs." She got off the bed and walked over to the window. "But his car's still here."

"Perhaps he went for a walk." Sergei lay back down on the bed and stretched out his long frame.

"Mmmmm, I guess you're right," she said glancing up and down the street. "I just hope he's not too long. Rachel has booked a masseuse to come round at 9am and I need to take Owen out for a haircut and then go round to Jess's place and pick up the button holes."

"The button holes? I'm sorry I'm not familiar with button holes," he frowned.

Alex laughed. "Sorry Serge. I mean the flowers for the men of the bridal party. The ones you put in your jacket. In the button hole."

"Ah yes," he nodded. "I understand now. But don't worry about the masseuse. If Jacob isn't back I will happily take his place and have a massage. I'm rather stiff this morning."

Alex smiled to herself as she looked at him sprawled sexily on the bed. 'If only,' she thought.

…

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. I hate running," Jacob thought to himself as his feet pounded the sidewalk. His chest was screaming, his knees were aching, his thighs were burning. He just wanted to stop and sit down, but he was only a mile from home now and just wanted to get there as soon as possible and have a shower. Maybe all he needed was a good long, hot, shower to relax him. Or maybe a good, long, hot fuck.

He sighed. Come on. Thoughts like that were not helping.

Nothing he'd tried so far had relaxed him one iota. He'd tried staying at the restaurant and socialising with the families, but once Rachel had left he couldn't enjoy himself. So he'd eventually come home and had a few drinks with Sergei, but that hadn't helped either. He'd gone up to his room and tried to sleep, ended up raiding the kitchen for snack food, and taken chips and the rest of the bottle of whiskey upstairs. He'd played on the x-box, listened to his i-pod and watched cartoons. And then after his early morning visitor had fallen asleep, he'd decided to get up and try some exercise.

But nothing helped him feel any better. Since Rachel had driven away and left him on the sidewalk, he'd been wound as tightly as a spring. He was tense and restless and agitated. His mind had churned all night with thoughts of her, thoughts of their future. Were they really doing the right thing? Could they really make this marriage work?

And he didn't really understand why he was questioning himself. When he married Maggie, they'd had a beautiful relaxing day. Breakfast with the families, a lunchtime wedding on the beach, and an evening flight from San Francisco to Sydney and from there to Broome for their honeymoon.

It had all seemed so natural and organic and relaxed, as though it was meant to be. No one ever questioned their love, they had never fought, had never been apart, had never doubted that this was the path that their lives would take. And they had taken their future for granted.

But now he took nothing for granted.

He finally turned into the driveway of his house. His legs faltered for a moment, almost gave way beneath him. Part of him wanted to stop and draw breath, collapse on the grass, lay and stare at the sun. But, he thought, if he lay down he may never get up again. It would be so much easier to just stay and lay in the sun rather than go through with this wedding. Not that he didn't want to get married, but he just wanted to feel calm again. Wanted to feel that what he was doing was right.

But instead… instead, he drew on the agitation and tension that was driving his body and sprinted around the side of the house to the back door. His mind was racing. He needed something… but he didn't know what. Maybe something decent to eat… and coffee. He hoped they wouldn't all be on his back when he got inside. He just needed some quiet. Shit, he could kill for some coffee right now.

He burst through the back door and three faces looked at him from the kitchen table in surprise and obvious relief. He stopped short, not expecting to find them all sitting at the kitchen table. He tensed up immediately. They'd obviously been enjoying breakfast together and Jacob almost felt as though he was intruding on a happy family scene.

"Uncle Jacob," shouted Owen, jumping down from the table and running towards him.

"Hey buddy," Jacob picked him the boy up and swung him around.

"Ewwww, you stink," Owen said, screwing up his face, and wriggling from his grip. "I'm going outside where it doesn't stink." He ran off and Sergei laughed.

"Jake, where have you been?" Alex said. "We've been worried." She looked at her brother with concern. "You're absolutely soaked."

He slipped off his small backpack containing a water bottle, his wallet, a towel and swimming trunks, and realised that he was literally dripping sweat in a puddle on the kitchen floor.

He shrugged. "I didn't realise you'd be looking for me. I only went for a run."

"Jake, we were just about to send out a search party. It's already after 9, do you realise that? When did you leave? Why didn't you write a note?"

"I went out about 6. Owen was sleeping and I didn't want to wake him. So I ran to the pool, swam some laps and then ran home." He walked to the fridge and took out a cold bottle of water. This was exactly the kind of inquisition he didn't need.

"The pool? I didn't realise you had a pool nearby," Sergei said with a frown.

"There isn't a pool nearby," said Alex shaking her head. "The pool is 9 miles away. How long did it take you to run there?"

Jacob downed most of the bottle of water in one long gulp, wiped the sweat that was dripping in his eyes with the back of his hand. "Oh, about an hour. "

"You ran for an hour to the pool, and then how long did you swim for?" Alex grilled him.

He shrugged. "About an hour I suppose."

"And then you ran for another hour home?"

He nodded.

"And do you feel better now?"

"Feel better?" Jacob frowned.

"Well you're only doing this because you're tense aren't you?" Alex knew full well the signs that her brother wasn't himself. Whiskey, late night cartoons, excessive exercise.

He shrugged. "No, not really, I'm fine." He really didn't want people fussing over him. He really wasn't in the mood. They didn't all need to know how he was feeling, it was really none of their business.

He saw Alex and Sergei exchange glances.

"Come on," she stood and put her arm around his waist, guided him towards the door. "Owen was right. You do stink. Now go and get yourself a shower and stop dripping sweat on the floor." His t-shirt was plastered to his chest, and his dark curls were wringing wet. Rivulets of sweat were still running down his face.

"When you come back down, Sergei will make you some breakfast. I've just been treated to his fantastic cooking. Potato pancakes with crispy bacon and scrambled egg."

Jacob glanced over at his friend with eyebrows raised. Sergei winked at him. They both knew his potato pancakes had been reeling women in for years.

'Well, well' he thought to himself. Now that was a match made in heaven, or maybe hell. He wasn't sure which one. He didn't know why he'd never considered the possibility of Sergei getting together with Alex before. Maybe because he was in Russia and she was here. But now… now he was close to convincing his friend to come and live in DC, it was a possibility.

It was normally a thought that would have cheered his heart, but little could lift his black mood right then, especially not his sister's attempts to get him organised.

"Jesus, who died and made you the boss?" he said to Alex in annoyance. "Anyone would think I was marrying you."

"I'm just looking out for you sweetheart. Lord knows you need someone to do it." She didn't tell him that Rachel had given her strict instructions on what he was and wasn't allowed to do, and he'd already broken most of them before breakfast.

"So you're Rachel's deputy now are you? Did she give you a little list of rules that I'm to abide by?"

She frowned at him. "Of course not. You're just being silly. The fact of the matter is that you're supposed to be getting married today, and if we all don't make some attempt to get you organised, it probably won't happen." She knew him far too well to let him get under her skin. "Now, by the time you've finished breakfast, I should be home from getting Owen's hair cut and picking up the button holes. And Frank should be finished his massage and then you can have yours."

He shook his head and held his hands in front of himself, defensively. "No, no, I'm not having a massage."

"Rachel wants you to have one. That's why she booked her to come."

"I don't care what Rachel wants. She's not here. She doesn't get to tell me what to do when she isn't even here."

Alex looked at him with concern "She's not telling you what to do. She's just thinking of you, that's all," she said gently.

"Yeah, well if she was thinking of me she'd be here wouldn't she," he snapped.

"You really should have a massage Jake," said Sergei with a grin, trying to break the tension. "She's very good. I had one when she first arrived and Frank's just gone in now. She's got fantastic hands."

"No, I don't care how fantastic her fucking hands are. They're not touching me. The only hands I want touching me today are Rachel's. Not that she can be bothered. She'd rather be hanging out with Jessica." His face was drawn and Alex could tell he was agitated.

"But I will go and shower and I'll have some potato pancakes. With a strong black coffee and a shot of vodka thanks Serge. And then… well I don't know what I'm going to do." He downed the last of his water and left the room leaving a distinct odour of stress and tension and sweat in the air, and a trail of perspiration on the kitchen floor.

Alex turned and took a tea towel from the drawer and wiped the wet floor. "Well that was interesting. He's not himself is he?" she said to Sergei with concern.

"No, I didn't think he was ok when you two got home from the restaurant last night, and he's been the same ever since." Sergei shook his head. "He's as tense as hell."

"You don't think he's going to back out do you?"

Sergei shrugged. "It's hard to tell. He certainly wasn't like this before he married Maggie."

Alex sighed. "Shit Serge. Rachel and I talked about me being a bridesmaid and we decided that I wouldn't, specifically so I could organise things around here and keep an eye on Jake. She had an idea that he'd be stressed. But I don't feel like I've done a very good job. Our task is to make sure he's waiting there at the wedding at 2pm with a smile on his face. And right now I'm not convinced he's even going to go, let alone be smiling." She glanced towards the door. "Maybe I should go and talk to him."

He nodded. "We talked for a long, long time last night before I finally got to bed. We talked about work and arrangements for today. But I never did get him to open up and tell me why he's so wound up. I tried though."

Alex ran her hand through her dark, wavy hair. "Look, I'm going to go up now and talk to him. See if I can't sort him out a bit. Satisfy myself that he's not going to do a runner and leave that poor girl standing at the altar. And then I really need to go and run these errands."

"What do you want me to do?"

"You just stay here in the kitchen looking pretty and making potato pancakes."

He flashed her a white toothed smile, his brilliant blue eyes laughing. "Aaaah, the two things in life I'm best at. Well two out of three things anyway."

She raised her eyebrows. "And what's the third?"

He winked at her cheekily. "Maybe you'll find out later."

…

"Jacob," Alex called as she knocked on his bathroom door. She could hear the shower running. "Jacob, it's Alex, can I come in?"

"No you can't come in," he called back testily. "I've just this second got in the shower."

"I want to talk to you." She knocked on the door again.

"Well you'll have to wait til I get out. Can't I at least get some peace in the shower?"

"Just let me come in and talk to you now. I have stuff to do." She banged on the door.

"Well go and do it," he shouted this time.

"But I want to talk to you first."

"For fuck sake. I'm in the shower Alex. Naked." His voice cracked a little and she smiled to herself.

"Oh come on Jake. It's nothing I haven't seen before." She leaned her forehead on the door.

"Alexandra!"

"Look I'm coming in Jake. I promise I won't look. Good lord, we used to have baths together when we were little and anyway, I think you're forgetting all those skinny dipping parties we used to go to in high school." She tried the door handle. It wasn't locked.

"That was a long time ago."

"That may be so, but I've still seen it all before, plenty of times, and I want to talk to you… I'm worried about you Jake."

He was silent for a moment.

"Ok come in then," he said eventually.

She opened the door and stepped into the steam filled room. She recalled that he always took really hot showers. She remembered their dad being annoyed with him when he used up all the hot water. She smiled to herself. The shower screen was already fogged up so there was really nothing she could see anyway.

She sat down on the lid of the toilet.

"What's the matter Jake? Why are you so wound up today? I thought you'd be happy."

He slicked water over his head with both hands. "So did I Alex."

"So what's wrong? You're not thinking of backing out of the wedding are you? You haven't changed your mind or anything like that."

He sighed. "Well the thought did cross my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. If I was doing the right thing, surely I wouldn't feel like this."

"I don't understand though Jake. Have you felt like this all along? Last time I spoke to you on the phone you seemed unbelievably happy to be marrying Rachel."

"I am. I am unbelievably happy." He squeezed a puddle of shampoo into his hand and rubbed it into his hair.

"Then what the hell's going on with you today? Because you're behaving as though you're going to your own funeral."

He rinsed the shampoo from his hair and rubbed the suds from his eyes. "I don't know, I just don't know Alex."

"I don't know either." She leaned back against the cistern. "I just want to help you. You weren't like this before your first wedding, so I don't think it's just pre-wedding jitters. I distinctly remember all of us going out for a big boozy champagne breakfast and you were like the cat who got the cream all day. Today… today you're distinctly suicidal."

"I appreciate you wanting to help me Alex, but honestly I don't know. I don't know what it is. I just know as soon as Rachel left me to go to Jess's last night, I began to feel as though I may never see her again."

She frowned. "Good lord Jake. Of course you're going to see her again. She's going to come walking down that aisle towards you and then you're going to live happily ever after."

"Are we?"

"What does that mean?" She watched him shaving under the steaming water.

"I don't know. I just can't shake the feeling that we're not going to live happily ever after. I mean what if she's the one who doesn't turn up."

"Of course she's going to turn up. She loves you Jake. She's committed to you. She's having your baby."

"I know, I know that but…" he turned off the water. "Can you hand me a towel?" She took one of his big white fluffy towels from the rack and handed it to him through the shower door.

He wrapped it around his waist and stepped out of the shower.

"But what?" she asked with confusion. "You know she loves you… but what?"

"But I just can't shake this feeling that something is going to go wrong." He stood with his back to her and stared into the bathroom mirror. "I'm just so tense Alex and I can't do anything about it. I can't sit, I can't stand, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think."

He leaned on the sink and looked at her in the mirror.

"It's like…. it's like I had my one chance at happiness and I blew it. And now I don't honestly think in my heart of hearts that I can be happy again. I thought I did, I think I kidded myself that I did, but now, when it comes down to the wire I just… I just can't shake the feeling that something is going to happen.."

"Jake…."

Alex didn't really know what to say.

"Jake, you know these thoughts are just irrational don't you? Reactions to losing Maggie."

He shook his head and frowned at her in annoyance. "Of course they're not. They're genuine concerns. I think we spend too much time in life just assuming that everything's going to work out alright. And things don't always work out alright."

She stood and walked over to him, wrapped her arms around his middle. Leaned her face against the damp skin of his broad back. "Oh Jacob," she murmured. "I wish I could help you. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you."

He turned and hugged her. Leant his face on the top of her head.

"I wish there was too."

She heard his heart thumping in his chest. It was beating fast, and despite his shower, she could feel the tension in his body.

She pulled away from him a little, looked up into his face. "You really should go and have that massage" she said, "it might not help your mind, but it might help your body."

"No," he shook his head and turned back to the sink, put some toothpaste on his toothbrush, "I don't want a massage. I just want…." He stared at himself in the mirror for a few moments. Then she saw his shoulders sag. "I just want to see her."

"Jake…"

He sighed. "I just can't bear being away from her. If Rachel was here and I could touch her and see her and know that she was real, I think I'd be ok."

Alex's heart broke just a little as she looked at her brother's face in the mirror. As a little girl she always thought he was the strong one in the family. Her big brother. Her protector and her hero. And as had been the case when Maggie died, it cut her to the core when she realised that he wasn't anywhere near as invincible as she had always liked to imagine him.

"Oh Jake. Come on sweetie, it's what, 9.30am now. The wedding is at 2. That's only 4 and a half hours. I know it's been a long night, but we're nearing the finish line now. And one thing I know for sure and certain is that Rachel loves you with all of her heart. I can't guarantee that nothing will go wrong today, but I can guarantee that she is going to be there and she is going to marry you."

He turned to face her again, toothbrush in hand.

"Do you really think so?" He studied the floor.

"I know so," she said firmly. She took his face in her hands and kissed him, first on one cheek and then on the other. "Now finish up here and get yourself dressed and then come back down to the kitchen. You just need some decent food in your belly and some good coffee. And you need to be with your friends. The boys are here to support you and all you're doing right now is freaking everybody out."

She turned and walked towards the door.

"Now I'm taking Owen for this fucking hair cut, then I'm going round to Jess's to pick up the flowers for you boys, and then I'll be back. And when I get back, I want to find you fed and relaxed and happy and ready to go and marry the woman who loves you."

He gave a faint, forced smile, raised his eyebrows. "Well, I'll be fed anyway," he said with a shrug of his shoulders.

Alex smiled at him and shook her head, and finally made her way out of the bathroom and back down to the kitchen. There she found Sergei, Frank and the massage therapist drinking coffee and eating little fresh doughnuts covered in icing sugar.

"Where's Jacob?" Sergei asked, "I made these for him, they're his favourites. I thought they might cheer him up." She leaned over the table and grabbed a couple of the little mouthfuls.

"Good lord Serge," she exclaimed. "These are absolutely delicious. Is there anything you can't cook?"

"No," said Frank laughing. "This man is master of the kitchen. Which made up for the fact that I couldn't even boil an egg when we were in college."

"And where did Jake fit into your cosy little relationship?" she asked.

"Oh he was in charge of making the drugs," Frank replied with a sly smile. "I should really have arrested him, not let him come and work for me. Anyhow, how is Jacob? I haven't even seen him yet. Serge said he's a bit tense."

Alex raised her eyebrows. "That's a bit of an understatement."

She walked over to where her purse lay on the kitchen bench and started rifling through it looking for her car keys. "Anyhow, I really need to go and run these errands. In the meantime, can you two do your best to keep his mind off of the wedding? I don't know, play x-box with him or poker or watch a porno or whatever men do to amuse themselves."

Sergei started to speak, but Alex kept talking. "But whatever you do, don't let him start thinking about the wedding too much. I think Rachel really should have stayed with him last night. He's got himself convinced that she's not going to turn up or something's going to happen."

She shook her head in frustration as she walked over to the kitchen table. Sergei poured her some coffee and she took a mouthful. "Anyhow I'll only be about an hour and a half and when I get back we can start to get ready. If you're not all cleaned and polished and standing there ready and waiting when Rachel arrives at the wedding, she'll be having my guts for garters."

Sergei placed his hand over hers and the warmth of his skin sent a little thrill up her spine. "Don't worry Alexandra" he smiled, "we will look after him. But what about the massage?"

She glanced over at the masseuse. "No, he won't be having a massage. I'm fairly certain of that. You can probably go now," she said to the woman.

Alex walked to the door and called outside for Owen. "Oh, before I forget" she said, turning back as she stepped outside, "under no circumstances are you to let him have any vodka."

Sergei shrugged "As if I would," he said with a sly grin.

…

A little after 10.30am, and with her freshly shorn son in tow, Alex pushed open the front door of Jess's house which had been left ajar, and found herself in the middle of a most different scene than the one at Jacob's house.

The living room appeared to have been the venue for a lavish champagne breakfast and was littered with the remains of fruit platters, croissants and champagne glasses. The noise of chattering women was drifting in from outside, and Alex and Owen made their way through the house past boxes of wedding flowers and an arrangement of shoes, to the back garden, where the champagne drinking appeared to be continuing.

Alex spotted her mother chatting and laughing with Rachel's mother amongst the small group.

"Hello darling," Alicia Hood said, standing to embrace her daughter. "How are things in man-land?"

"Well not so much fun as here, that's for sure," Alex said laughing and looking around at the happy gathering of women. "Where are Rachel and Jess?"

"Oh they're upstairs having their hair and makeup and nails and goodness knows what else done. We're just keeping an eye on the girls," she laughed as Jess's daughters ran past, "and then we're going inside to clean up. We need to keep this place in some semblance of order don't we Rebecca."

"Rather you than me Mom" Alex said, "I'm having enough trouble getting three men and a small boy organised. Where are Dad and Rob?"

"Oh they left a few minutes before you arrived. They were heading around to Jacob's to escape all the women," said her mother.

"I think that's where Robert was planning to go this morning as well," Rebecca added.

"Oh, ok" Alex frowned. She wasn't sure whether the arrival of more men was going to help Jacob's mood any. Especially Rachel's father. She knew he still wasn't entirely comfortable with him, despite his sober appearance the night before.

"Anyhow, I'm just going to go up and see Rachel and Jess. I just called in to pick up the buttonholes and then I'm going to back to make sure the boys get themselves organised. I'm sure Sergei will need someone to tie his bow tie for him." She gave her Mom a little wink and, telling Owen to stay there and talk to his grandma, made her way back inside and up to the main bedroom.

She found a much quieter and more relaxed scene inside. Rachel was sitting having her nails manicured whilst Jess was having her hair styled.

"Don't you two look relaxed," Alex said as she popped her head around the bedroom door. Jess had a lovely big pale green bedroom with plenty of room for all the people and associated paraphernalia.

"Hey Alex" Jess exclaimed, "we might look relaxed but on the inside we're stressed out like crazy. Would you like some champagne?" She indicated to a tray on which sat several champagne flutes and an open bottle. "No one up here is drinking anything and we need some help so that we don't look like total tee-totallers."

Alex laughed, "Aaah, the trials of the pregnant wedding party. Not able to drink at their own wedding."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "I know it's terrible isn't it. I'm beginning to think we should have waited until after the babies are born. All this champagne and neither of us can drink any of it. Although no," she shook her head. "I don't think I could have waited any longer. God I just can't believe how today's time is dragging. I just want to get on with it. I just want to see Jacob. I just want to get married. I can't believe how on edge I'm feeling"

She glanced at Alex. "He is coming isn't he? You haven't come to tell me he's changed his mind or left the country or anything, have you?"

Alex laughed. "No, no absolutely not. He just wants to see you as well. He really does."

Rachel frowned. "Is he ok? He's not stressing out too much is he? Did he get some sleep? Did Sergei cook him some breakfast? Did he have a massage? You haven't let him go out anywhere have you? And make sure he doesn't drive. I told you that didn't I? He can't drive if he's got something on his mind because he doesn't pay attention to what he's doing."

"Rachel, he's fine. He's absolutely fine." Alex thought that Rachel didn't seem to be in any fit state herself to hear the saga of Jacob's night. What she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. As long as they both ended up married by the end of the day, that's all that mattered.

"I've just come to pick up the button holes. Frank and Sergei are looking after him for a while."

Rachel looked alarmed. "Looking after him? Why does he need looking after? What's happened?"

"Nothing's happened, Alex laughed, trying to look relaxed, not wanting to let on about how wound up her brother was. "I just mean they're keeping him occupied. Sergei's been making everyone potato pancakes and crispy bacon and eggs for breakfast…"

Rachel nodded seriously. "Yes, he'd have liked that. How about toast? Did Sergei make him some toast?"

"Relax Rachel. If he'd wanted toast, Sergei would have made him toast. When I left he'd just made a big batch of tiny little doughnuts covered in icing sugar. Some sort of European thing I think."

"Oh my god, Sergei hasn't been giving him vodka for breakfast has he?" Rachel suddenly asked. "Jacob can't be drinking vodka for breakfast."

Alex raised her eyebrows. "Everyone here has been having champagne for breakfast…"

"That's different though. If Jacob and Serge and Frank start drinking vodka at breakfast, they'll be useless by 2pm."

"Don't worry. I've seen no sign of a vodka bottle." She didn't mention the whiskey bottle on Jacob's bedside table.

"So he's ok then. You're sure he's ok?"

Alex reached over and took her hand. "He's absolutely fine sweetheart. The only thing he wants to do is marry you. Believe me."

Despite looking beautiful and very pampered, Alex thought to herself that Rachel had a decidedly stressed look in her eyes. She decided that it was time to make her exit. She had enough tension to deal with at Jacob's house without getting involved in another lot of it here.

She looked around the room and spied Rachel's gown hanging on the clothes rack along with Jess's and the two little girls' dresses.

"Wow Rachel, is that your dress" She walked over to it and ran her fingers over the silk. "He's going to love this you know. It's so simple but beautiful. This will absolutely suit you. And the back, look at the back. It's stunning."

Rachel smiled. "Do you really like it? Do you think he will? I had the back lowered a little"

"Of course he will. You know he loves natural things. And with these in your hair... he's going to be blown away. These are absolutely beautiful." She lightly touched one of the accents that the hairdresser would be fixing into Rachel's hair.

Rachel smiled bravely, but she still looked anxious.

"Well I have to hand it to you." Alex said admiringly. "You two girls are amazing. I can't believe you've pulled together outfits like these in two weeks. Or this whole wedding really."

Jess shrugged. "Oh it was nothing. We just haven't actually slept for two weeks that's all. And when this is all over, I'm not getting out of bed for about three days."

They all laughed.

"Neither am I," Rachel added.

"Aaaah, but that's for an entirely different reason," Jess said teasingly. "Dr Sexy won't let you out of bed for three days."

Alex laughed. "Dr Sexy?"

Rachel shook her head. "You don't want to know about the peverse relationship my matron of honour has with your brother, believe me."

Jess grinned. "That gorgeous man can take my temperature anytime."

"I've told you plenty of times Jess, he's not that kind of doctor," Rachel scolded.

"Oh I know that," Jess laughed, "but I like to fantasise anyway. Whatever kind of doctor he is, it's better than being married to a fishmonger, believe me."

Alex was still laughing. "Dr Sexy. Right I'm going to use that. That's perfect sibling ammunition. Dr Sexy." She giggled some more. "Oh well, I'd better be going. I'll just grab that box of flowers on the way out."

Rachel nodded. "Thanks so much for all your help Alex. I don't think I could have rested unless I knew there was someone competent keeping the boys in line."

Alex laughed. "That's my pleasure Rachel. I just want to see my gorgeous brother happy again, and I'm more than delighted to do whatever I can do to help that happen."

"I really wanted you for one of my bridesmaids you know that don't you?" Rachel said seriously. "But there was really no one else I could trust or that he'd have accepted. As much as he loves your Mom, I don't think Jacob would have wanted her at his place getting him organised."

Alex nodded "I absolutely agree, and I would have loved to have been a bridesmaid, but we both know I'm better off round there getting the boys sorted. God knows what would happen if we'd just left them on their own. Especially with Owen to organise. As it was I found him watching cartoons and eating potato chips in Jacob's bed at 8am this morning."

Rachel frowned, "and where was Jacob?"

"Oh, he was downstairs somewhere." Alex was kicking herself for having mentioned it in the first place. She certainly didn't want to tell Rachel the truth of what had gone on that morning.

"So anyhow, I'm off. I'll grab those flowers and I'll see you two lovely visions at the zoo." She kissed both Rachel and Jess on the cheek and made her way down the stairs, breathing a sigh of relief that she'd managed not to spill the beans about her brother's anxiety level. Which she thought to herself, was about on par with her own anxiety level right about now.

…

Alex finally arrived back at Jacob's house with Owen and the buttonholes, and after depositing the flowers on the now clean kitchen table, went in search of the men. She quickly found them in the sitting room playing cards and drinking whiskey. At least she found Frank and Sergei in the living room playing cards and drinking whiskey with the two fathers and Jess's husband, Rob.

She frowned at the group of men. "Please tell me that Jacob is upstairs sleeping."

"Um," Sergei looked a little sheepish. "Not exactly. After he'd picked at his breakfast for a while, he went back upstairs, got dressed in his wedding suit and said he was going for a drive."

"His wedding suit? Are you kidding me?" Alex said incredulously. "So he's not planning to come back? You didn't just let him go did you?"

Frank shrugged. He studied the cards in his hand. "What could we do? He's a grown man Alex. We weren't going to physically restrain him."

"Did you at least try to talk him out of it? You know Rachel said he wasn't to drive don't you. Or why didn't one of you go with him?"

Sergei looked at her with concern. "Of course we tried to talk him out of it. And we tried to go with him. But he wasn't having any of it. He said he'd be back by 12. We just have to trust him Alex."

She looked at her watch. "It's past 11 now. Jesus Christ, we need to get him ready for this wedding. If anything happens to him you two will be in big trouble."

Frank shook his head. "He's already ready for the wedding. And what's going to happen to him? He's a perfectly capable human being Alex."

She shook her head. "God only knows what could happen to him. Perfectly capable human being indeed. He might be normally, but he sure as hell isn't today, Frank. I thought I could have relied on the Director of the FBI to keep hold of one bridegroom for fuck sake. Didn't you have him followed or something?"

He looked at her sceptically. "I really can't use FBI resources for that sort of thing."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Yeah right. You certainly use them when you want to though, don't you."

He raised his eyebrows at her.

"Ok now listen to me," Alex said testily. "I'm going to take a shower and get Owen and I dressed for the wedding. It will take me about an hour. When I come back down here at about 12.15, I want to find all of you and Jacob fed. Then you two can go get ready because you'll be the only one's not dressed by then. Now, we need to leave here by 1.15 at the latest to make sure we're ready to greet the guests and get everyone seated before Rachel arrives."

The men all looked at her with amusement.

"Now while I'm in the shower I suggest a couple of you make some sort of effort to find him. Ring him on his cellphone and get him back here as soon as possible."

"That's his cellphone there," Frank indicated to the phone on the coffee table.

She stared at it in horror. "You didn't even have the sense to make sure he had his cellphone with him?" She shook her head. "You had sure as hell better hope he's home by 12, otherwise you five are going to be out there looking for him."

As she stomped her way angrily out of the sitting room and up the stairs to go and have a shower, she heard Sergei call after her.

"Would you like me to come and scrub your back Alex?"

"I don't even want to look at you right now, let alone have you scrub my back you useless great fool. If my brother doesn't make it to his own wedding, there's going to be hell to pay."

…

"Well?" She demanded. "Where the hell is he?"

It was just after 12 noon, and Alex was standing in the doorway of the kitchen with her hands on her hips. She'd showered and done her hair and makeup, and got Owen dressed. As she'd made her way down the stairs, she had her fingers crossed that Jacob would have arrived back.

She glared at the five men sitting at the kitchen table eating club sandwiches and potato chips and drinking beer.

"He hasn't been back," Stephen Hood said, "so we thought we'd just grab some lunch as you told us to do. Before Serge and Frank go up and get ready."

"Before you go out to find him, you mean," she snapped. "You lot will not be getting ready until he is back here."

"Well, we talked about that," Frank interjected. "And we decided that we should have lunch and then get dressed and then go and look for him. But if we end up stuck out there looking for him when we're not even ready, we could all end up being late. At least this way, once we find him, we can all just head straight to the wedding."

She sighed. "Ok, I guess that's not a bad idea. And it gives him an extra half an hour or so to get his fucking ass back here. Ok, well I suggest that you hurry up and finish those sandwiches, then one of you takes Jacob's ensuite and the other the main bathroom, so you can both get ready at the same time. I want you back down here by 12.45 if we're going to have to send out a search party."

Alex looked at the two fathers and Rob. "Are you three ready? You don't need to go home for any reason?"

Rob shook his head. "No, we we're not going back there if we can possibly help it. We decided to escape my crazy house full of women for some peace and quiet here. But Steve and I are ready, are you Robert?

"Oh yes," he smiled. "I'm as ready as I'll ever be."

Alex turned her attention back to Sergei and Frank who were still eating. "So come on then you two. Get up those stairs and get ready. We don't have all day you know."

"Come on Alex" her father said laughing, as the two groomsmen bolted down the last of their food and left the kitchen hurriedly. "Sergei made you a sandwich. It's in the fridge. Now come and sit down and try to relax. I've never seen you like this. Everything will be ok, you'll see."

She opened the fridge and took out the two sandwiches, called Owen in from the sitting room where he was playing x-box. She put one of the sandwiches down in front of her son and tied a tea towel around his neck as a supersized bib so that he didn't mess up his clean wedding shirt. "Relax, I can't relax until we've found him. Aren't you worried Dad?"

He shook his head. "No, of course I'm not. Your brother's not a fool. I think he can manage to get himself to his own wedding."

"Yeah, but you haven't seen him today have you. He's really not himself."

She sat down in front of her own sandwich, drummed her fingernails on the table. "Where should we look? I think someone should go to the aquarium… someone should go to Rachel's apartment… what bar does he go to? Someone needs to look around the bars to see if he's in one of them. And how about his lab? Frank can go there. Maybe he's gone into work. And I think someone else should…"

She got up and roamed around the kitchen as she thought. "I'm going to make some phone calls. Maybe someone else has seen him. I should check with Rachel. He really needed to see her. Maybe he's gone round to Jess's. How am I going to ask her though? I can't tell her that I've lost him…."

Robert Young's cell phone rang and he raised his eyebrows at Alex before he answered. "It's Rachel."

He had a quick conversation with his daughter. "Well," he said when he'd finished. "She wants me to go round there. She wants to talk to me about something. So at least I can check if Jacob is there. I'll give you a call when I arrive."

"I'll take you there Robert," Jess's husband Rob said. "You haven't been to my place before have you? I didn't want to go back, but at least I can stay in the good books if I do. I'll just make sure there's nothing that Jess and the girls need before we leave for the ceremony."

They got to their feet, and Stephen Hood did the same.

Alex looked at her father questioningly.

"I think I know where he is Alex. I might hit the road and see if I can find him. I'll be in touch."

"Do you really think you know?"

He nodded. "I hope so."

They left the room and Alex was left alone with her son. She shook her head. "Your Uncle Jacob is just a giant pain in the ass sometimes, Owen."

He shrugged. "I think he's awesome."

She took a handful of chips. Stress eating wasn't such a bad idea sometimes.

…..

Stephen Hood sat down next to his son on the wooden bench in the remarkably warm November sun. It was going to be a lovely day for the wedding, unseasonally warm and dry.

"If I found one of my players doing that they'd be off the team," he said, nodding towards the cigarette in Jacob's hand.

"Mmmm, that's why I never played football," Jacob replied cynically. "Here," he handed his father a silver hip flask and he took a long drink.

"What do you think Dad?" Jacob said, staring straight ahead over the scenic vista of the Glenwood Cemetery. "Do you think we can ever be truly happy? Do you think happiness is something we should aspire to? Or do you think we should just accept that life is inherently sad."

His father sighed. Placed his hand on Jacob's shoulder.

"I think we should look for happiness in every single thing we do. Life's not inherently sad Jake, but it is punctuated by sadness. But those sad times pass and we learn to move on and live as happily as we can."

"Am I kidding myself that marrying Rachel is going to bring me happiness though?" He flicked the cigarette idly between his fingers.

"Listen son." Stephen nodded to the two headstones in front of them. "Your grandparents there were two of the happiest people I ever knew. But they had a tough early life. They had good times, but they lived through two world wars and times of disease and loss and hardship, and even though they were well off by the end, they experienced sadness as we will never know. And even your mother and I…"

He paused.

Jacob looked at him questioningly for a few moments. "What?"

The older man sighed. "Well, I've never talked to you about your brother have I?"

"My brother." Jacob frowned. "I have a brother?"

His father leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees. "You did have a brother Jake. He was younger than you, about 18 months younger. But he died when he was about 4 weeks old."

"Died? How?" Jacob was astounded by this information. There had never been any menton of a baby in the family before.

Stephen Hood shook his head. "To this day we don't know why he died. I went in to check on him after his afternoon nap one Saturday and he'd just passed away. Seeing my tiny son lifeless and blue in his crib was a sight that I'll never forget for as long as I live."

"My god Dad, I'm so sorry." Jacob looked at his father in concern, put his hand on his knee. "I can't even imagine what that must have been like. But why did you and Mom never tell us?"

"Well it was just different back then. In the 60's we didn't make a lot of fuss. Babies died much more frequently than they do now. We just had to accept it and move on. And 18 months later your sister was born and so we just focussed on the two of you and eventually he faded a little from our memories. Our lives have been happy. But we've never forgotten him."

"What was his name?"

"His name was Daniel." Stephen smiled at the memory. "He was a lot like you as a tiny baby. A thick shock of black hair, the Hood men's green eyes."

He shook his head. "I've lost a sister, both my parents, uncles and aunts. But nothing is the same as losing a child. Nothing."

Jacob studied his face as he spoke. His father had never sat and talked to him like this. Had never opened up in this way.

"But even so" he shrugged, "I've still had a happy life. Alex and your mother have brought me more joy than I can even fathom. And you… you've made me prouder than any father could be. To be given the privilege of watching you grow into a fine intelligent man, to watch you marry, to watch your wonderful career, to watch you nurse the woman you loved and deal with her death, and to watch you now as you finally move on to find your own happiness again, just blows me away. And you deserve that happiness Jake. You deserve it more than anyone I know."

Jacob took a long drag of his cigarette, watched the breeze take hold of the smoke as he exhaled. "I don't honestly think that I do though Dad. I think I might just be deluding myself that Rachel can really make me happy. I used to think she could. Last night I thought she could. But today, today I just don't know…"

His father sighed. "Listen buddy, today is one of those days when you just have to follow the path that you've laid out for yourself. Today you can't listen to your head or your heart because they'll just fuck with you, and you can't listen to other people's voices that are chattering around you. You just have to focus on the path ahead and put one foot in front of the other. It's like a football game. If you've done the training and the hard work, when it comes to game day, just click into autopilot and let your body take over because it knows what to do."

Jacob shrugged. "I guess so…"

"You love her, you know that marrying her is the right thing, you know that when all this wedding shit is over that you'll be happy together. So don't let the mind games get to you. In sport and in life, if you doubt yourself, you're history."

Jacob took a swig from the hip flask, offered it to his father again. "I know you're right. But…"

His father held up his hand, shook his head. "No… but nothing. I've seen you together. I've seen her eyes shining with love for you and I've seen her standing up for you, spitting like a little viper. She loves you and you love her and that's all there is."

"I do love her. I love her desperately." Jacob rubbed his forehead with his fingers. "I need her desperately. But is that real love or is it just lust? Why am I so desperate for her all the time? I ache for her Dad, every minute of every day."

His father smiled a little. "Now this is something I can relate to, as a coach and as a Hood man. Listen Jake, this desperate love, the kind of love that starts up here," he touched him on the chest, "but needs to find it's release down here," he tapped him on the hip, "IS real love. But stop thinking that it's desperate and needy. They're the wrong words to use. Stop using negative self talk. This love is passionate and powerful and all encompassing. It's not desperate and needy, it's strong and real and true, and will last for your whole life. It's the love that I felt for your mother when I was twenty and I still feel for her now that I'm 65. It's the love that your grandfather felt for your grandmother. That's why he didn't want to live after she died."

He took the cigarette from Jacob's hand and inhaled, handed it back. "I don't want to downplay what you had with Maggie. I don't want to have to diminish her to promote Rachel, but that gentle, easy love you felt for her may not have lasted. No one knows one way or the other, but what I do know is that some love fades over time and some love just get stronger. And I know that I love your mother more now than I ever have, and I know that I've never stopped wanting her, not for a single second that we've been together. That feeling is with me from the moment I wake to the moment I fall asleep, and when I'm sleeping I dream about being with her."

"But how do you live with a passion like that?" Jacob frowned. "I'm terrified Dad, I'm paralysed with fear that I'm going to lose her. And I love her so much, I don't honestly think I can go through that again. I can't bear to be apart from her for a night. How would I ever live if something…"

"Fuck Jacob," Stephen shook his head. "If you start thinking like that now, you're history. You've lived through some shit buddy, there's no doubt about that. But there's no reason to think that what happened to Maggie will happen to Rachel."

Jacob flicked his eyebrows. He didn't look convinced.

"Your brother died, but you didn't and your sister didn't. And your mother and I had to keep going for you two. We couldn't give up on you just because of what happened to him. Listen, you're going to be a dad yourself in a few short months and you owe it to your own kid to marry his mother. To love her with every ounce of your being. To give him and her the best life you possibly can."

"I know…" he shook his head, "I know Dad. But why does this day seem so hard. Why don't I feel as happy as I did when I married Maggie?"

"Because when you married Maggie you were naive. And now you know better than to think that life is always happily ever after. But you owe it to yourself to give it a go. When your sister was born, I used to go and sit in her room for hours just to make sure she was still breathing. I never did that with you, because I was naïve and I never thought anything would happen to you. So maybe you'll lay awake at night and watch Rachel sleep just so you can watch her breathe, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't marry her."

Jacob was silent for a few moments. They both took a swig of whiskey. Eventually he spoke.

"Will I ever stop doubting myself though?"

His father shrugged. "Probably not. I don't let on to anyone, but I doubt myself every day. I'm afraid that absolute certainty is the domain of the 25 year old. And neither you nor I qualify for that anymore, son."

Jacob raised his eyebrows. "That's for sure. I just thought that as I got older I'd feel more certain of myself. But with each passing year I just get more unsure."

The older man laughed. "I think that's because the more we know, the more we realise just how much we don't know."

"But," he slapped Jacob on the back, "there's one thing I do know. Unless you want to see your sister's head literally explode, I think we should get back to the house. She might make out that she's a laid back hippy, but Rachel has her wound tighter than a clockwork mouse."

Jacob laughed for the first time that day as he ground the cigarette butt under his shoe. "She has that effect on people."


End file.
